Forever and Almost Always
by sonicwaffles
Summary: On the list of things that Kurt should probably consider to be Very Bad Ideas, making out with Rachel Berry's boyfriend is right at the top. This does not mean he has any intention of stopping.
1. Prologue

On Thursday, Rachel Berry meets Blaine Anderson.

"You were a terrible spy." He laughs as he walks her to her car. Her heart flutters.

"Do you want to get coffee?" She asks.

On Monday, Kurt Hummel trembles against the cold steel of a locker, waiting. Dave Karofsky gives a soft moan and presses another sloppy kiss to his mouth.

"Don't tell anyone." He hisses, pushing away and stomping out the door.

Kurt shakes till his bones ache.

On a Wednesday two weeks later, Carole Hudson feels Kurt stiffen against her side as he's pulled into a hug. Only a little, only for a second.

It 's probably nothing to worry about.

On Friday Finn Hudson stands silent in disbelief as Rachel breaks his heart. Again.

"What you did was really bad Rachel! He's our competition!"

He breaks up with her. They're going to destroy the Warblers at Sectionals.

Burt Hummel arrives home on Monday to a wailing smoke alarm and his son shaking with tears as at least a hundred dollars worth of clothes burn in the fireplace.

"Kurt?"

Burt isn't stupid. There are bruises on Kurt's wrists.

On Tuesday, Kurt leaves McKinley High.


	2. Chapter One

_Whether you love what you love_

_Or live in divided ceaseless revolt against it_

_What you love is your fate_

_Guilty of Dust - Frank Bidart_

Dalton Academy is beautiful. Three stories of imposing red brick and wrought-iron gates, marble floors and chandeliers. Kurt can't for the life of him figure out how they keep it any decent state with five hundred odd teenage boys tramping about. The drapes in the entrance hall alone make him want to swoon, and that's before he's even begun to appreciate the leather lounge and antique end tables in the small alcove where he's been directed to wait.

"Good morning Mr. Hummel, Welcome to Dalton Academy. If you'd like to step into my office?" Headmaster Jenkins is a soft-spoken older man, his thick hair rapidly greying, the barest hint of colour still left in his beard. He has warm dark eyes that somehow make Kurt feel at ease, even with his all his worries about entering a new school.

"Now, I understand you had problems with bullying at your previous school?" Jenkins looks down at the file on his desk, embossed with _Hummel, Kurt Elizabeth._

"Some of the other students considered my sexuality a personal insult." Kurt keeps his voice calm, still not certain this isn't too good to be true.

"Well, as I'm sure you are aware, Dalton has a zero-tolerance harassment policy. All reports of bullying are taken seriously and followed up on. You may also be interested to know we have an active GSA. I am confident you will find a place here."

Kurt sits silently, overwhelmed. He still can't quite believe he's going to be safe here, protected. No-one's going to hurt him, no-one will shove him into lockers or throw slushies at him or corner him in the change room after gym class.

"Here's your information packet. You'll find your class schedule and dorm room assignment inside. Unfortunately we didn't have any singles available, but your roommate is a well-respected member of the Dalton community. I believe you'll get along well."

Kurt lets himself be ushered into the hallway where a dark-haired boy waits. He's a little shorter than Kurt, stockier, but holds himself with confidence. The sound of their footsteps catches his attention, his handsome face breaking into a wide smile, the kind that exists only in magazines and movie screens, and Kurt's heart flutters against his breastbone.

"Your roommate, Mr Hummel." Jenkins says, sweeping his arm towards the boy, who quickly reaches out a hand in greeting.

"Blaine Anderson." He says, his voice as warm and inviting as his outstretched hand and Kurt hopes he's everything this first impression suggests he is.

"Kurt Hummel." Blaine's hand is warm and firm against his, and Kurt feels the barest hint of a steady pulse beneath his fingertips.

"Your bags were delivered to our room a little while ago. I've cleared my stuff for you and you have your own closet. Oh, and I promise I don't snore." Kurt can't help but give a small, shy smile.

"Mr Anderson is the Warblers featured soloist this year. I believe you were in your previous school's Glee Club?" Headmaster Jenkins says with the tiniest hint of suggestion in his voice, and Blaine's eyes light up.

"The Warblers are always looking for new members, I can get you an audition if you want?"

"Thank you." Kurt says, a little breathlessly. "That'd be great." Of course he would have tried out for the Warblers anyway, but it couldn't hurt to have the featured soloist to put in a good word could it?

That is, provided Blaine really does like him. He'll settle for getting along with him, truth be told. He doesn't need a best friend here, he doesn't need friends at all. Acceptance is already more than he could hope for.

"Blaine and yourself are excused from today's classes, I suggest you use the time to settle in and become acquainted." Jenkins smiles, shakes Kurt's hand, and disappears back into his office, leaving the two boys alone in the hall.

"Come on, I'll show you our room." Blaine smiles the dazzling smile again, and Kurt finds himself feeling slightly lightheaded. He can't even find it in himself to object when Blaine offers to carry his satchel.

"Now, I said I cleared my stuff, but that's not entirely true." Blaine says as they walk down a narrow hall with doors lining each side, stopping in front of one with a silver _14_ on it.

"Here we are, home sweet home." Blaine says as he unlocks the door and it swings open.

The room is decently sized, though by no means what anyone could describe as overly spacious. A large window with heavy blue curtains dominates one side, with two single beds tucked underneath and a desk at the end of both. Opposite are two doors. In-built closets, Kurt assumes, perhaps a little more pleased with that than he should be. There's a shelf running the length of the wall above each bed too, but that isn't what draws his attention.

"Well someone's a Broadway fan." He murmurs and Blaine gives a nervous chuckle.

"Yeah. I can take them down if you like, I know it's not everyone's thing but-"

"Blaine, I think I'd cry if you took a single one of these down." The walls -a hideous shade of beige- are covered in Broadway posters. Everything from _West Side Story_ to _Wicked -_which Kurt is pleased to note hangs above _his_ bed.

"Oh, good to know." Blaine breathes, stepping into the room and sitting on his bed. The duvet is red, and Kurt silently deducts points for Dalton's originality, smirking as he looks down at his own red duvet and adds a few for school pride.

"Bathrooms down the hall, there are signs so you won't get lost. Dining hall is downstairs, and there's always something out if you're hungry. The fridges are pretty much free run too, but if you want anything good you have to get in fast on Monday morning. Teenage boys, you know?"

"And there I was thinking getting away from my step-brother might free me from such displays." Blaine laughs.

"Well, when they say all boys school, they really do mean _all _boys."

"Clearly." Kurt sits down on his own bed, contemplating unpacking his suitcase and deciding that's a task he isn't entirely up to just yet.

"So you said you sing right?"

* * *

On Wednesday, true to his word, Blaine gets Kurt an audition with the Warblers. Or rather, he walks into the meeting with Kurt in tow, announced to the council he's found them a countertenor and looks expectant.

"Warbler Blaine, Sectionals is in one week and we simply don't have the time to break in a new member." Wes says sternly. Kurt already met him in his French II class and has him pegged as the average private school over-achiever. He's certainly more serious than any teenage boy has a right to be.

"Kurt is a former member of New Directions. I believe his presence at Sectionals would be enough to throw them off, thereby giving us the edge we need to win."

A roomful of faces stare at Kurt curiously. Wes presses his lips together and exhales through his nose, blinking slowly as he looks to his fellow council members in turn, a small exchange of nods as they silently come to a verdict.

"Let us welcome the newest addition to the Warblers, Kurt Hummel." The room breaks into polite applause, and Kurt feels the heat rise to his cheeks. Wes raps his gavel, prompting silence as he continues;

"Kurt, you are expected, as with all your pursuits at Dalton, to perform to the best of your ability. You represent the honour and integrity of this school, first and foremost. It goes without saying I hope, that you will not betray your former teammates trust. The Warblers intend to win with talent and dedication-" Blaine clears his throat and the corner of Wes' mouth twitches slightly, "-_and _the element of surprise. We will not resort to underhanded tactics, and we will not cheat."

"Thank you." Kurt says solemnly. "I won't let you down."

"Good. Now, I suggest we practice harmonies today so that Kurt may have as much time as possible to catch up. Warbler Blaine, as you prompted his membership, he is _your _responsibility."

* * *

Blaine has an uncanny knack of finding Kurt between classes, the few they share together taking place almost exclusively in the afternoons. Kurt almost wants to ask exactly what Blaine hopes to achieve, but he suspects he already knows the answer.

"Hey. How you holding up?" Kurt jumps as Blaine throws an arm over his shoulders, sighing with relief as he recognises his roommate. It's still hard not to overreact to unexpected contact, but if Blaine notices, he doesn't say anything.

"The work is harder but the kids are kinder." Kurt says, resisting the urge to melt completely into the warmth of Blaine's side. They're not quite friends yet, but Kurt can't deny how much he wants to be. He feels safe around Blaine, a welcome relief after weeks of fear and uncertainty.

"I take it you had some trouble at your old school." Blaine says quietly, his arm tightening just slightly around Kurt's shoulders, the movement so slight that Kurt wonders if he's aware he's doing it at all.

"Yeah, I- I got bullied pretty badly. It was the reason I had to transfer." It's an understatement, but Kurt isn't willing to elaborate just yet, even as Blaine's warm arm slips away and he turns to stand in front of Kurt, halting their movement down the hallway.

"I know we're still getting to know each other, but if you ever want to talk about it, I'll always be here to listen okay?" Blaine gives Kurt a warm smile and unexpectedly pulls him into a crushing hug. "I know what it feels like." He murmurs against Kurt's shoulder, pulling away just as suddenly as he'd moved forward. "Now come on, we don't want to be late for class."

They're just about to enter their English class when the senior lacrosse team comes squelching past, sodden from practice and whooping their way down the hall, leaving a muddy trail in their wake. For the first time that week, Kurt doesn't find himself flinching at the sight of their letterman jackets, raising his hand for the proffered high-fives as they pass.

"Look at that, you're starting to fit in new kid." Blaine teases, bumping their shoulders together as they make their way into the English classroom.

"Yeah. I guess I am."

* * *

Kurt wakes to the buzzing of his cellphone as he receives a text. It's still dark outside, probably the early hours of the morning, and moonlight is pouring through a thin gap in the curtains, illuminating the room in a pale glow.

He gropes for the phone on his nightstand and muffles his cry of triumph when his hand finally closes around the cool metal.

_u find a bf gay hogwarts yet? _

Kurt never did quite understand Puck's motivations, though he would like to know how the hell he got his number, let alone used it to enquire on the state of his love life, in the middle of the night no less. He figures his reply can wait till morning.

He's just replacing his phone on the nightstand when he hears Blaine groan and roll over, bed clothes rustling as he settles into sleep once more.

That's when Kurt makes the mistake of looking over at him.

Blaine is sprawled on his back, one arm thrown above his head and the duvet pushed down around his waist. But what Kurt immediately notices is how his pajama shirt has ridden up, exposing a triangle of flesh from his bellybutton to where the material has bunched beneath his armpit. Kurt tries not to notice the dark smudge of his nipple, or the slightly deeper shadows against his skin that suggest a dusting of dark hair. It isn't Kurt's business to be looking, even if Blaine is the most gorgeous thing he's ever seen.

It's only when Blaine shifts in his sleep again that Kurt notices the scar. It's small, nearly invisible except for the contrast of the paler scar tissue against Blaine's tanned skin. It doesn't look like the thin pink scars Kurt himself has, suggesting its cause was something a little more serious than the usual adolescent cuts and scrapes

Kurt's still curious in the morning, but he can't think of an excuse to ask about it without sounding like some sort of leering pervert, so he lets himself forget. It is after all, just a scar.

* * *

"You know, I hadn't expected you'd catch up so fast." Blaine says on Friday night as they walk up from the dining hall together. Usually Kurt would go home for the weekend, but tradition states the Warblers must travel to all competitions together, so he'd called his dad to explain, and swore him to secrecy.

"Last year's Sectionals I had to learn an entire setlist plus choreography in fifteen minutes. A week is practically a luxury." Blaine makes a slightly choked noise in his throat, turning pale.

"_Fif_-_fifteen minutes?" _He asks, the thought of such short preparation time clearly a horrifying prospect to him. Kurt laughs.

"Our original setlist got stolen by our competition. Not that it mattered, we still won."

"Suddenly I feel a whole lot less confident." Blaine mutters as Kurt unlocks the door to their room.

"Hey, you still have your secret weapon." Kurt reminds him.

"You. You're our secret weapon. Our strategy for winning is taking one of their former members and making him imitate a banjo.' Blaine flops face down on his bed and groans, ignoring Kurt as he removes his blazer and hangs it over his desk chair.

"Stop worrying. We're going to be awesome. My banjo will blow their minds." It probably won't, but Blaine doesn't need to know that.

"You know it's important though right?" Blaine mumbles, turning his head to face Kurt, who's now perched on his own bed untying his shoes. "Every voice in the Warblers counts, not just the soloist."

"_You can't play a symphony with only the first violin." _Kurt quotes back what Blaine told him on Tuesday as he practiced harmonizing with the rest of the Warblers.

"Only orchestras don't have banjos." Blaine groans again. Kurt has been prepared for this too. Wes and David informed him at dinner that Blaine would probably spend the next few hours dividing his time between obnoxious pep-talks and bemoaning their _'inevitable loss' _much to the annoyance of everyone around him. Kurt had been assured this behavior would not last till morning.

Wes, it turns out, is rather too serious, but he does put it to good use, and Kurt is grateful for the heads up.

"Listen to me, you are going to have those judges eating out of your hand. You're amazing, and the Warblers are ready. We're going to win Blaine, I can feel it." Blaine raises his head slightly and watches Kurt collect his toiletries bag and pajamas.

"You really believe that don't you?" Kurt just smiles as he leaves.

* * *

"Do you miss us?" Rachel asks when Kurt finds her at the concession stand, screaming at the harangued looking staff member behind it about Raisinets. He's almost offended that Lauren Zizesis the best replacement they could find but that's neither here nor there, especially when Rachel emphatically states she's nothing more than a 'warm body'.

"I do. Being at Dalton is great, but I don't think they appreciate my individuality as much as you guys did. And I can't help but think I let you guys down." It's true, though he hates to admit it, especially when Dalton is so wonderful and he feels so completely accepted without question, for what really is the first time in his teenage life.

"It's your life Kurt, and you weren't safe at McKinley anymore, and we _all_ get it." Rachel's voice is soft with something that sounds like compassion but realistically couldn't be because he isn't entirely sure Rachel actually knows how to feel emotions that aren't completely self-centered.

"And may I say how kind it is of you to come and cheer us on? It must be so hard for you to maintain team loyalty when the Warblers are so talented. No doubt they've tried to recruit you already." Kurt inwardly sighs with relief at the reappearance of the Rachel he knows and somewhat begrudgingly loves.

"Oh, yeah. Um, they even gave me a free ticket in their section. I guess they really want a countertenor." Kurt shrugs and tries to look nonchalant. He thinks maybe Rachel would forgive him if he were honest and told her the truth, that she would understand more than anyone how much he craves acceptance. He wonders how mad she'll be instead when she discovers his betrayal.

"I admire you for staying true to New Directions. When we win, I want you to know it'll be a win for you too." Her voice cracks on the last word and she springs forward suddenly to smother him in a warm embrace.

"Hey Kurt, you coming to sit?" Kurt has never felt so grateful to hear Blaine's voice as he extracts himself from Rachel, patting her arm gently as she sniffs and wipes her face with a napkin.

"Good luck in there." Blaine says to her, warm and sincere, and Rachel smiles back, her cheeks flushing with colour before she hurries away to find the rest of New Directions.

Kurt watches her retreat and enjoys what is probably the last moment she'll consider him a friend.

* * *

Backstage is a frenzy of activity. The Warblers are arranging themselves in order, Kurt at the very front on one side where he can't be missed.

"Don't worry, you're ready." Wes whispers from the step above him and Kurt is surprised to feels his nerves dissipate ever so slightly.

"_And now, for our second act of the program, from Dalton Academy in Westerville, The Warblers!"_

The curtain rises.

For the first few seconds, Kurt focuses on keeping his banjo in harmony, and when they finally turn dramatically to face the audience, he holds off looking for the New Directions as long as he possibly can.

He lasts until '_I don't want to miss a single thing...' _before Rachel catches his eye. Her expression looks a little confused and a lot hurt and for a moment he falters before picking back up again and smiling wide, casting his gaze over the rest of his former team mates.

They don't look nearly as upset as Rachel, Mike is even visibly dancing in his seat. Mr Shue's expression is really the most amusing, a sort of constipated look as he slips halfway down in his seat, apparently having underestimated his competition.

The song ends and Kurt feels his heart surge with affection as the entirety of New Directions, excluding Rachel, leap to their feet, smiling and cheering. Even Artie gives an enthusiastic fist-pump from his place in the aisle.

His buoyant mood lasts until he's was back in his seat and Quinn and Sam are wooing the crowd with their saccharine vocals and Barbie and Ken appeal. He hears Blaine audibly groan as the song finally ends and Santana launches into an incredible rendition of _Valerie, _accompanied byBrittany and Mike's athletic dancing_. _The Warblers have no hope of winning, not when New Directions are so good.

So he's was naturally pleasantly surprised when they tie and he's was suddenly faced with the very real chance of Nationals and New York, and Rachel's wounded expression be damned.

Except it isn't not Kurt she keeps trying to make eye contact with.

It's Blaine.

* * *

"Blaine Anderson!" Rachel's cry precedes her entrance into the lobby where everyone is making polite conversation while they wait for the buses to take them home again.

Blaine casts a quick worried look at Kurt and holds up his hand in surrender as Rachel stalks towards him, her hair a mess where she's obviously pulled her hands through it in distress or frustration or both.

What Kurt can't figure is how Rachel and Blaine know each other at all.

"You knew! You knew Kurt was my only real competition and you used him against me!" Rachel's words become incoherent through her tears and she stumbles forward, burying her face in the folds of Blaine's blazer.

Kurt is just about to ask what exactly is going on when a startling cry of "Hey!" echoes from across the room and he turns to see Finn heading towards them, Mike and Puck in tow.

"You the prep school kid who stole my girlfriend?" He demands, and Kurt has to give Blaine credit, he doesn't even flinch, despite having to crane his neck back to look Finn in the eye as he looms over him.

"I believe the term is _ex_-girlfriend."

"The hell man, you're friends with this guy?" Finn seems to suddenly notice Kurt and rounds on him.

"Roommates." Kurt corrects him. "And I can assure you, until a few minutes ago I wasn't aware Blaine had a girlfriend at all, much less that his girlfriend was Rachel." He tries to ignore how bitter the words taste in his mouth. Out the corner of his eye, Blaine frowns.

"Are you two friends?" He asks and Kurt sighs.

"Blaine, meet Finn, my step brother and your girlfriends ex-boyfriend." Blaine's eyebrows rise.

"Wow. Small world." Rachel gives a small hiccup of laughter from her place still tucked against his shoulder, and finally extracts herself from the now significantly soggier blue material.

"Finn, I know you're upset, but you have no right to take it out on Kurt, or Blaine. Our relationship ending was my fault, and if you should be angry at anyone, it should be me." She says sniffing, obviously still on the verge of tears. "You, on the other hand-" She turns to face Blaine, "You have some explaining to do. And you." She points an accusatory finger at Kurt.

"What's wrong with Kurt joining the Warblers?" Finn asks, obviously forgetting his annoyance.

"What's wrong with-? Kurt betrayed us! He was an original member of New Directions and the minute he was at Dalton he just up and joined the Warblers! How long do you think it took him to spill everything he knew about us? They had an unfair advantage!" Kurt wonders if anyone would stop him from slapping her.

"Actually-" A stern voice cuts in and Kurt turns to see Wes and the rest of the Warblers looking disapproving. "Kurt didn't speak a word about you or your glee club. Considering your claim that the two of you are friends, I'd have thought you'd trust him more than that."

"Don't worry Wes, I'm not taking it too personally. Rachel's a little intense when it comes to glee club." Kurt assures him, turning back to give Rachel a fierce glare.

"Yeah, Kurt wouldn't betray us." Finn says seriously, Mike and Puck nodding along, looking at Rachel as if she's obviously mistaken. The rest of New Directions seem to have noticed the commotion and are starting to drift towards them, making Kurt feel ever so slightly uneasy at the bodies pressing in on all sides.

"Kurt's our boy, it's awesome the garglers let him in." Puck punches Kurt's shoulder in the fashion he's learnt is meant to indicate male affection.

"The _Warblers _Puck, but thank you for defending me." Rachel splutters her displeasure.

"Blaine, say something. You're supposed to back me up!" She implores, tugging on the sleeve of his blazer. Blaine looks uncomfortable.

"Rachel, Kurt is the most moral, compassionate person I've ever met. I don't think he has it in him to hurt his friends like that, and I promise you, he didn't tell us anything." There's a long beat of silence and Rachel finally purses her lips and nods quickly.

"Well, I'm glad we cleared that up." She says quickly and excuses herself to the bathroom. There's a ripple of awkward laughter as she disappears, the tension still thick in the air.

"So-" Kurt says conversationally, "You're dating Rachel?" He notices Finn's ears prick as his attention is drawn back to Blaine.

"Yeah, she came to spy on the Warblers a few weeks ago and we went for coffee afterwards." He says somewhat nervously, looking up at Finn like a mouse facing off against a lion. "I'm really sorry that you got hurt by all this, I didn't know she already had a boyfriend." Finn looks crestfallen, and Kurt feels for him, knowing Rachel's actions must sting.

"Well, now it's out in the open, we can all move on with our lives. Right Finn?" Kurt pats his stepbrothers arm, giving a grunt as Finn suddenly hugs him, squeezing just slightly too tight.

"Sorry I got mad at you. I promise I don't mind if you guys are friends." He says, and Kurt smiles, touched by the unexpected kindness.

They talk a little longer, loitering until the buses arrive and they're forced to say their goodbyes. Kurt accepts a round of hugs from his friends, promising to visit soon, and assuring Rachel all is forgiven.

He tries not to watch too closely as she and Blaine exchange their goodbyes, sharing a long kiss, her arms tight around his neck. Even with the knowledge Blaine is straight, it's unexpectedly painful knowing he lost out to Rachel again. He's starting to wonder if this is how his love life is going to be from now on, constantly beaten by Rachel Berry.

He's still pondering this as Blaine and Rachel finally extract themselves from each other and Blaine joins him in line for the bus.

"Hey, this isn't going to make things weird between us is it?" He asks and Kurt shakes his head.

"No, I mean, I do have to wonder about your questionable taste in women, but I think our friendship will survive this blow." He says very seriously, allowing a tiny smile to end the sentence.

"Oh, good. Good." Blaine replies, grabbing his hand to pull him into a spare seat, his grasp lingering a moment longer than strictly necessary. It's almost certainly not something he should read into, but Kurt feels his pulse start to race all the same.

This is going to be a problem.


	3. Chapter Two

_He asked if he could kiss him and he said Yes, kiss me, and so he did._  
_It was a strange kiss. It was a beautiful kiss._

_Slow Waltz Through Inflatable Landscape - Christian Hawkey_

Christmas draws near and brings with it an influx of shrubbery in the halls of Dalton.

It's the last Warbler practice of the year, and Kurt is happily soaking up the excited atmosphere as everyone chatters about the christmas break. They have ten minutes until the meeting officially starts and it seems the Warblers are making the most of it.

The sudden silence that falls over the room is jarring.

Kurt looks up to see Nick and Jeff standing in the doorway, both smirking as Nick stalks towards Jeff with a hungry glint in his eye. Jeff leans back against one of the double doors and mock swoons, licking his bottom lip lasciviously before Nick finally kisses him, hard and wet.

The cheer that erupts through the room is almost deafening.

"Mistletoe!" Blaine shouts next to Kurt, struggling to be heard over the whoops and catcalls. "Nick and Jeff like putting on a show!" Kurt looks back at the two boys in question who are now wrapped around each other, laughing and soaking in the cries of delight from their classmates. Kurt is stunned at how open they are with their relationship, and that absolutely no-one seems to care. It isn't just the zero-tolerance policy, Nick and Jeff are genuinely treated as normal here, so much so Kurt is pretty sure half the school would go into mourning if they ever broke up.

"You don't have to do it if you don't want to." Blaine says beside him, drawing Kurt's attention back as he wrinkles his brow in confusion.

"The mistletoe." Blaine clarifies. "You don't have to kiss under it. Even if you do most of the guys make it pretty quick." There's a snort of derision as Nick sinks into the lounge on Kurt's other side and leans against Jeff, perched on the arm.

"He says that like he's ever done it." Nick whispers conspiratorially, "Blaine here refuses to have fun with the rest of us." Blaine rolls his eyes.

"I have a girlfriend." He says with a slight tinge of annoyance.

"Like that ever stopped anyone. Besides, what was your excuse last year?" Jeff teases. "I think you just hate fun." Nick nods along seriously with his boyfriend's words.

"I just think a kiss should mean a little more than something you do just because someone hung up a weed. Can we drop it now?" Blaine says, effectively ending their line of questioning.

"What about you Kurt? Plan on kissing any Dalton boys?" For a moment Kurt remembers the locker room at McKinley, lips pressed pressed against his own, hands tracing the planes of his body, touching where they have no right to touch. Even as he comes back to himself, safe at Dalton, the phantom taste of cherry slushee stays on his tongue.

"Maybe." He says quietly, hearing the lie in his voice even if no-one else can. It's easier than telling the truth, something he definitely does not feel like revealing to a room full of Warblers.

"Ooh, got your eye on a certain young man? Maybe you'll find him under the mistletoe." Nick nudges his shoulder conspiratorially, apparently having missed Kurt's discomfort. He isn't particularly surprised he's gotten so good at hiding it.

"This meeting will now come to order." Wes' voice rings through the room loud and clear, shaking Kurt from his thoughts.

"Today we honour our oldest tradition for our newest Warbler. An actual Warbler." Kurt feels Blaine shift beside him as he lifts a cage containing a small yellow canary from the end table.

"Kurt, meet Pavarotti." The bird hops about its cage happily as Kurt takes it gingerly, trying not to think about his track record with pets and the tragic demise of Galinda the goldfish.

"This bird is a member of an unbroken line of canaries who've been at Dalton since 1891. It's your job to take care of him, so he can live to carry on the Warbler legacy. Protect him. That bird is your voice." It all sounds very serious and important and Kurt feels slightly overwhelmed.

"Don't worry." Blaine whispers quietly, his eyes fixed on Wes, who has moved onto the subject of their performance at the upcoming benefactors dinner. "I did this last year. It's easy."

Kurt wants to question what exactly is _easy _about having another life entrusted to his care, but he's distracted by the sharp rapping of Wes' gavel as he dismisses the meeting, telling them all to enjoy the winter break.

"Don't forget to consider song choices for the benefit dinner in February, we want to begin rehearsals early."

* * *

Pavarotti finds a new home on Kurt's desk, next to _The Canary Handbook _and a bird cage cover helpfully supplied by Blaine. Kurt immediately hates the cover, though thankfully Blaine doesn't seem to notice.

They've just settled in with their homework when Kurt hears Blaine groan and the scrape of his chair pushing away from the desk.

"Everything oka- _oh._"

How Nick and Jeff even got into their room is a mystery, and while Kurt does plan on berating them for it later, he's slightly more concerned with the gift they left for Blaine.

The offending sprig of mistletoe hangs from the celling light and looks completely innocent. Blaine, by contrast, looks utterly ridiculous as his fingers bat the empty air beneath the little plant. Kurt suppresses a giggle.

"Here, let me." He finally says, moving to stand beneath the light and rising on tiptoe where he easily plucks the mistletoe down. Blaine ducks his head and looks embarrassed, the pink tinge colouring his cheeks far more obvious from this close angle than it would have been across the room.

"What do you think we should do with it?" Kurt twirls the green sprig between his fingers, noticing it's looking a little worse for wear. No doubt pilfered from one of the many doorways in the school and hidden in a bag until both he and Blaine were absent.

Nick and Jeff are in so much trouble.

Blaine mutters something under his breath that sounds suspiciously like _burn it _as he looks up, and _wow _they are close. Like, kissing-distance close. Which Kurt should definitely not be thinking about. Even if Blaine's eyes are flicking downwards and back up again and he's leaning in closer now, crowding right into Kurt's personal space-

His lips brush against the corner of Kurt's mouth, breath warm and heavy with lingering sweetness from the soda he drank at dinner, and even as he pulls away Kurt follows, not willing to part just yet.

They're still then, searching each others faces, and the moment hangs between them, fine as spiders silk.

Music flares and fills the room, and the moment tenses and snaps as Kurt turns, fumbling to grab the phone skittering across his desk as it vibrates. By the time he's turned again, phone in hand, Blaine has already retreated back to is own desk and the moment is gone.

"_What?_" He snaps into the phone, not having bothered to check the caller ID.

"Woah, what'd I do?" Finn's voice echoes down the line and Kurt looks over at Blaine who seems suddenly very interested in his History homework.

"Nothing, I was just- homework." It's a poor lie, but Finn seems to buy it.

"Oh, well can you spare a moment? I need your advice. See, Rachel's being all weird and she tried to give me this gift and there was the singing and why can't she just be happy ruining my life with that pre-" Kurt's head is spinning, even as he stops Finn's rambling mid-sentence.

"Finn, I'm not sure where you got the impression I have any idea what goes on inside Rachel's head, because let me assure you, I don't. And in case it slipped your mind, her boyfriend is my roommate and did it ever occur to you that maybe this conversation would be really awkward for me to be having in our shared room?" He doesn't even care how high his voice has become because reality has just come crashing down around him. He just kissed Rachel Berry's boyfriend. _Oh god._

Blaine's looking up at him now too, obviously unable to ignore the near hysterical boy shrieking into a phone about his girlfriend.

"Oh my god." Kurt whimpers, hurling himself out the door and down the hallway, phone still clutched in his hand. He can just hear the tinny sound of Finn's voice but the words are inaudible over he rush of white noise in his ears.

* * *

Later, after an extremely uncomfortable conversation with Finn, Kurt creeps back into his darkened dorm room. Blaine appears to be asleep, curled in a tight ball beneath the duvet with only his hair visible from Kurt's side of the room.

He changes into his pajamas as quietly as possible, slipping between the cool covers of his bed, and immediately rolling onto his side to look at Blaine.

And finds a pair of dark eyes looking back.

They stare silently for what feels for a long time, though when he thinks about it later, is probably no longer than a minute. Blaine's face is half hidden, and the pale moonlight filtering in makes his skin paler than usual, eyes dark as pitch against it.

"Can you-" His voice is muffled, in equal parts by the duvet and his own hesitance, indeed, Kurt can see Blaine struggling with himself to get the words out. "Don't tell anyone? Please?"

His voice is so small and scared that Kurt's heart aches, and the words are pouring out before he can stop them.

"No, no of course I won't. I wouldn't _ever. _Even if it was just an experiment or- I won't, I promise."

"It wasn't an experiment. I wanted to." Blaine says softly, but he seems content that his secret is safe and Kurt feels himself start to drift towards the edge of sleep.

He probably imagines what Blaine says next, and it's not like it makes sense in to his half-awake mind anyway.

"Still want to."

* * *

The next few days are awkward, to say the least.

Blaine seems pretty determined to pretend like everything is perfectly normal, though Kurt can't help but notice he's suddenly a lot more touchy-feely. It's not a bad thing, when it comes to Blaine's affection, Kurt soaks it up like a lizard in the sun, but it does send rather mixed signals.

Mostly though, it makes Nick and Jeff think their plan worked, and even if it sort of did, Kurt does not need them lording that over him forever. Blaine seems to remain happily oblivious, and it's almost like he doesn't realise what he's doing, like he's gravitating towards Kurt, even if the idea is totally ridiculous.

Which is why he's relieved when Thursday arrives, which means tomorrow is Friday and he can really start to look forward to Christmas. Or he could, if he ever gets his history assignment about Charlemagne done.

"Hey." There's a loud thump and Kurt startles, looking up to see Blaine cocking his head sideways and giving him a slight smile, a CD player sitting on the table next to him.

"You scared me." He says honestly, knowing Blaine almost certainly saw him jump in his chair. Blaine's eyes flicker downwards to the boom box and he pauses a moment.

"Well good." He says in a low voice and there's no mistaking the look in his eyes, even when he continues jokingly; "Because I'm actually Marley's ghost, and I'm here to tell you to stop studying so hard." His voice drops into a stage whisper at the end of the sentence and Kurt hums with interest, wondering where Blaine might be going with this.

"What's with the boom box?" Blaine grins, obviously noting Kurt's willingness to play along.

"I need you to sing with me. Well, rehearse with me. I got a gig singing _Baby It's Cold Outside_ in the Kings Island Christmas Spectacular."

_Lie. _There hasn't been a Christmas Spectacular at Kings Island for years. Kurt is certain of this because he was at the very last one, after he'd begged his dad for weeks and they'd driven two hours in the bitter cold just to see the show before it finished forever. Still, he's curious to see where Blaine is going with this.

"Ah, a personal favourite. Too bad they'd never let us sing it together." Kurt immediately feels like an idiot, more so as Blaine gives him a confused look. He tries to rescue the sentence. "I mean, as two artists." Blaine hums in agreement, his gaze falling down to Kurt's open textbook.

"So you gonna help me out here?"

"Anything to get me to stop reading about Charlemagne." It's true. Kurt _hates _Charlemagne.

"Very good then." Blaine's voice seems to roll out of his throat and even if that wasn't gorgeous as hell, Kurt is already so far gone he practically purrs. Music starts to softly play and Blaine dances back towards Kurt, beckoning him to start.

Kurt isn't quite sure what god decided to smile on him and let him sing an incredibly romantic song with the boy he's fairly sure he's halfway to being in love with, but whatever the reason he's grateful. He suspects Blaine might like him too, but he's decided one sort of kiss isn't really enough to go by. Though surely seeking him out and telling a blatant lie in order to sing a flirty duet together has to count for something?

"_I really can't stay-"_

Blaine gives an exaggerated pout as he moves into Kurt's personal space, replying with a begging tone in his voice,

"_But baby it's cold outside-"_

It's a game, Kurt realises, deliberately walking away as they sing, only to let himself be reeled back in by Blaine's pleas, bumping shoulders before Blaine twirls away to sit on the edge of the leather lounge, Kurt mirroring his movements.

"_Your eyes are like starlight now-"_

Blaine's voice goes soft as he sings, hands poised to take an imaginary picture of Kurt's coy smile. Even as he rises to dance away he can see Blaine's face relax for a moment into something wistful before he slips back into his teasing demeanour.

"_Mind if I move a closer?"_

Kurt ducks his head as Blaine jokingly checks the door before he slides along the back of the lounge, shoulders bumping as he leans in, the song becoming ever more coercive. Kurt slips away, knowing what he's doing, making Blaine indulge the chase.

"_Oh but it's cold outside."_

Blaine smiles and leans towards Kurt as he plays the piano, a noise of surprise escaping him as Kurt ducks beneath his arm and moves towards the fireplace, determined to see whatever this through.

"_You've really been grand-"_

There's no missing Blaine's slightly dazed look as Kurt brushes against him, letting their fingers catch for a moment as he passes. He still manages to sing just as clear and strong as ever, and Kurt wonders what it would take to make him crack.

"_How can you do this thing to me?"_

Kurt leans against the back of the lounge, looking up from under his eyelashes in a move that he knows positively screams _come and get me_. Blaine leans towards him, knees sinking into the soft leather as their faces nearly touch, before Kurt moves quickly, circling the lounge and pausing, unsure if he's read the signals wrong.

"_I really can't stay-"_

Blaine motions for him to sit and for a moment they play a game of _you first _before they sink down into the leather, pressed together from shoulder to hip.

"_Oh but it's cold outside."_

There's a long pause after they finish the song, Blaine laughing awkwardly as he looks at Kurt and then away again, his cheeks flaming. Kurt can feel the matching heat creeping up his neck to his own face.

"I think you're ready." He says softly, pointedly ignoring the voice in his head that asks '_ready for what?'_

"You are much better than that girl's gonna be." Blaine says sincerely, and for a minute Kurt wonders what he's talking about because it sure as hell isn't the non-existent show he won't be performing in. But that thought escapes his head in an instant as Blaine finally turns to look at him again, and all the oxygen seems to have escaped from the room.

Because Blaine is leaning towards him, his lips slightly parted and Kurt suddenly feels boxed in, shrinking back into the soft leather and _why won't Blaine stop?_

Then he does. No more than an inch from Kurt's face he stops and just... waits. For what, Kurt doesn't know, but he still finds himself relaxing, the small, terrified part of him finally recognising that Blaine isn't going to hurt him. Blaine too, seems to notice the change, the stiff arm he's been using to hold himself away from Kurt finally relaxing.

"Can I-?" His eyes flicker down to Kurt's mouth, his breath coming in short bursts. Something warm and wonderful curls inside Kurt's chest and he nods, trying to find his voice.

"Y-yeah." The word has barely left his lips before Blaine's kissing him, soft and sweet and oh so perfect. If Kurt had though their almost-kiss with the mistletoe had been amazing, this is something else entirely.

Blaine's hand has snuck it's way up to the back of his neck, holding him close as the other hand searches his own out, their fingers tangling together as they finally part and gasp for breath, watching each other like they aren't sure any of this is quite real.

Except it is. A gorgeous boy wants to kiss Kurt, _is _kissing Kurt, for Blaine has pressed their mouths together again, and this time it's slightly hotter and wetter. Kurt opens his mouth a little more now, sucking Blaine's full upper lip and revelling at the sharp intake of breath he's rewarded with.

There is too much of a good thing though, and Kurt quickly goes back to soft closed-mouth kisses, hoping he hasn't scared Blaine with his eagerness. Blaine however, seems to have other ideas, his tongue darting forward to swipe against the crease of Kurt's lips, prompting him to open them again.

He's just enjoying the first slick slide of Blaine's tongue when there's a clatter somewhere behind them and a startled cry.

"Oh!"

Kurt reluctantly pulls away to see-

"Mr Schuester?" He feels the heat flare on his cheeks and when he checks he finds Blaine appears to be sporting the same shade of beetroot red.

"I-I gotta go." He says in a single rush of breath and suddenly Kurt's side is cold and he's watching Blaine retreat out the door like he's on fire.

"Sorry to interrupt you and- your boyfriend?" Mr Schue looks about as uncomfortable as Kurt feels.

"Oh, no. No, he's just Blaine." He says very quietly, trying to ignore the unexpected ache in his chest. _Just Blaine_. Mr Schue wrinkles his brow for a moment.

"Not the same Blaine that Rachel won't stop talking about?" Obviously Kurt's terrible poker face confirms as such and he looks down before he has to see Schue's disappointed expression. He still hears the sigh, but it's somehow not as bad without the accompanying visual.

"Kurt-"

"I know, okay? I don't need a lecture about it." It's comes out a little harsher than he'd like, but Kurt can't find it in himself to feel bad about that. Mr Schue isn't his teacher anymore, he's allowed to be rude if he likes.

"Who said anything about a lecture?" Kurt gives him a disbelieving look. It's clear as the nose on his his face that he's just itching to tell Kurt that what he's doing with Blaine is all kinds of wrong.

"Just, get it over with." He mutters, crossing his arms and sinking back into the lounge. He might have to sit through this but damned if he's going to enjoy it.

Schue sinks onto the lounge next to him, adopting his '_I'm a cool teacher who remembers what it was really like being a teenage_r' pose.

"He's someone's boyfriend. He's _your friend's _boyfriend. Think how much this would hurt Rachel if she knew."

"The same way she hurt Finn? What's the saying? Turnabout's fair play?" Kurt bites back.

"Nobody deserves that. Finn didn't, and nor does Rachel."

"I know." He says in a small voice, as the the nauseating weight of guilt settles in his stomach.

"Just think about it okay?" Schue says, rubbing his shoulder and Kurt foresees a painful conversation with Blaine in his near future.

"So I actually came here to ask for shopping advice, but I'm guessing you're probably not in the mood now." Kurt actually laughs.

"Actually Mr Schue, shopping would be great right now. Blaine's probably hiding out in our room and I'm not really ready to face him just yet."

"Well lucky for you, I am in need of some holiday help. I don't know if you know this, but I am really bad at christmas shopping..."

* * *

**_From: Blaine_**  
_Merry Christmas Kurt :)_

**_From: Kurt_**  
_You're two minutes early and you woke me up. _

**_From: Blaine_**  
_Merry Christmas Kurt, the time is now 1:01 AM._

**_From: Kurt_**  
_Merry Christmas Blaine. Go to sleep._

**_From: Blaine_**  
_Night Kurt xx_

**_From: Kurt_**  
_Goodnight Blaine x_

* * *

"Hi, you've reached Kurt, I can't take your call right now but if you leave me a message i'll get back to you as soon as possible."

"_Heeeeey Kurt, it's New Years and I guess you don't have your phone or you can't hear it or... anyway. I was just watching the ball drop and I remembered how you love New York, and I thought, we should do that sometime! Watch the ball drop, not New York. I guess New York too though. If you want. Cause you're my faaaaaavourite. But don't tell Trent cause he thinks he's my favourite and he'll cry. Ooh, fireworks! Happy New Year!"_

"Hi, you've reached Kurt, I can't take your call right now but if you leave me a message i'll get back to you as soon as possible."

"_Hi Kurt, please ignore my last message. I had champagne and yeah, I don't even remember what I said but I'm sure it was terrible and it would be really great if you could just ignore it. Thanks. See you at school."_

* * *

**_From: Kurt_**  
_Consider it forgotten. For the record though, it wasn't awful._

**_From: Kurt_**  
_You should probably stay away from the champagne in future though._

**_From: Blaine._**  
_Duly noted._

* * *

_**From: Nick**  
Blaine's girlfriend is loud._

**From: Kurt**  
I see you've met Rachel then.

**From: Nick**  
Are the halls of Dalton to be thus polluted?

**From: Kurt**  
Pride and Prejudice? Really? Your gay is showing Nick.

**From: Kurt**  
Wait, she's at Dalton?

**From: Nick**  
Don't say I didn't warn you! Jeff threw popcorn at them till they left the rec room. They're making out on your bed right now.

**From: Kurt**  
I hate you both so much.

**From: Jeff**  
He lies! They're on the floor.


	4. Chapter Three

_I am not yours, not lost in you,_

_Not lost, although I long to be._

_I Am Not Yours - Sara Teasdale_

On the Sunday after New Years Kurt arrives back at Dalton to find Rachel Berry sitting on his dorm bed and talking at approximately a million miles a minute. Curiously, she doesn't seem to notice or care that Blaine apparently isn't listening.

"Oh, Kurt!" He's barely stepped through the door before Rachel's hugging him and chattering excitedly about a football game of all things.

"-expect you'll be there, you are the quarterback's brother and it's the biggest game of the season."

"I assume you're talking about the championship game. Much as it pains me, I will be in the stands cheering Finn on with Carole and my dad." Kurt doesn't really hate football as much as he pretends to, he just fails to find it particularly interesting and the cold winter air dries his skin out horribly.

"You're really going to watch a football game?" Blaine asks in disbelief and Kurt scowls.

"I happen to like football. Well, I like the scarves. But I'll have you know I was actually on the team last year." Rachel nods along enthusiastically.

"It's true. Kurt helped them win their only game last season." Kurt smirks.

"Sorry, still can't really imagine you playing football." Blaine says, laughing quietly.

"As it so happens, I have the video on my laptop." Kurt smiles sweetly, pulling the computer from his bag and setting it on Blaine's bed.

Blaine actually seems impressed as the Kurt on screen dances his way across the field and kicks the ball high over the posts. Even Kurt has to admit he's not bad, even if he has no desire ever to do such a thing again.

"Okay, _now _I can imagine you playing football." Blaine says, a smile forming on his face.

"He was a cheerleader too. Kurt's almost as talented as I am." Rachel says helpfully and Blaine gives Kurt a look that can only mean _please god tell me there's video._

"You're just lucky Coach Sylvester demands on all the Cheerios performances being taped." He says and finds the folder full of files, pushing the laptop towards Blaine who grabs it eagerly and pulls it onto his lap. Kurt hears the opening of _Four Minutes _and smiles.

Unfortunately, Blaine's distraction only serves to divert Rachel's attention to Kurt and even before she's started talking, he braces himself for the guilt that's no doubt about to come.

Except it doesn't.

Which actually makes him feel awful anyway because Kurt's pretty sure he should be feeling guilty about making out with his friends boyfriend.

How exactly Rachel has failed to notice Blaine may not be 100% straight is a mystery anyway. Kurt had just assumed having two gay dads might have made her a little more sensitive to these things. Doesn't it strike her as odd that her boyfriend appears to be more interested in watching his _male _roommate's cheerleading videos than talking to her?

_That's not fair_. Kurt chides himself. _Rachel's been here for ages, they've probably been talking for hours. Or making out. _

He realises too late that he's missed everything Rachel's said, though apparently he's still managed enough 'mmm's and 'yeah's to get away with it. Even now he still hasn't quite synced his brain back with reality.

"Of course he does." Blaine is saying distractedly, his eyes still fixed on the computer screen while Rachel bounces excitedly on Kurt's bed.

"Oh my gosh Kurt, tell me _everything_ about him!" Rachel's eyes are bright because apparently they're talking about Kurt's love life. _Great_.

Why, oh why has Blaine told her he likes someone? It's not a lie, but it's hardly a truth he can share with Rachel.

"Uh, he's a sophomore, he's in the Warblers-"

"He plays polo." Blaine adds helpfully, apparently having reached the end of available videos.

"And what does he look like? Cute?" Rachel leans in conspiratorially and Blaine's eyes sparkle with mischief that makes Kurt want to smack him, if only he wasn't certain Blaine would enjoy it. Well, if that's the way he wants to play it.

"A little shorter than me. Dark hair, green eyes. Muscular, but not in a gross way." Kurt blushes and makes himself continue. "Nice arms. _Perfect _ass." Rachel giggles and playfully swats his arm.

"Do you think he likes you?" She says softly and Kurt bites his lip, flicking his eyes over to Blaine.

"Of course he does. You should see the way he looks at Kurt when he thinks no-one else is watching, and anyone can see how much he tries to impress him with his solos." He nods and raises an eyebrow at Kurt.

"Kurt, you have to ask him out! We could go on double dates!" Kurt barely suppresses the hysterical laughter that bubbles up in his chest. He just described Rachel's own boyfriend to her, egged on by said boyfriend, and she's still managed not to notice.

"Maybe." He finally chokes out, certain he's the colour of a tomato by now.

"Hey, don't you have to be getting home soon?" Blaine suddenly says to Rachel, who looks at the time and hurries to her feet.

"Oh no, my dads will be upset if I'm late for dinner, but I'll call you later?" She says sweetly, and Kurt can't help but notice how obviously she's batting her eyelashes.

"Sure. Want me to walk you out?"

"I'm can manage, I'm perfectly capable of being an independent woman, thank you." Rachel says firmly, the look in her eyes completely giving her away.

"And of course you wouldn't dream of doing a little spying on your way out." Blaine teases her, already rising to his feet and walking her to the door. "Don't let Wes catch you."

"I'll go straight to my car, I promise." Rachel says without a hint of sincerity and rises on her toes to press a kiss to Blaine's mouth. Kurt looks away.

The door clicks shut softly and Kurt lets his his eyes fall closed as Blaine's footsteps move closer. He feels the mattress dipping down and the smell of Blaine's cologne washes over him, somehow untainted by Rachel's perfume, as he had expected it would be.

"A cheerleader?" Blaine says softly against the shell of his ear, and when Kurt opens his eyes, Blaine's are dark and fixed on him like he's edible.

"We won Nationals. I sang a fourteen minute Celine Dion medley in french." Kurt says breathlessly.

"Damn." Blaine says quietly and actually knocks the breath out of Kurt as he suddenly pitches forward, kissing him hot and wet and _oh _so good. Kurt topples backwards, landing with a soft thump on the mattress, Blaine pressing into his personal space and mouthing hotly down his throat.

Rachel probably hasn't even left the building yet and Kurt's already writhing on a bed with her boyfriend. He's not proud of himself, but he also has no intention of making Blaine stop. Not when his kisses are enough to make Kurt's head spin and his body thrum with heat.

He gasps in shock as Blaine suddenly rolls them, and Kurt only just manages to stop them before they hit the wall, panting as he stares down at the wild-eyed man beneath him. Blaine's hair is a mess, pulled free from the gel in tufts and sticking up in all directions. His cheeks are flushed, eyes bright even as his chest heaves against Kurt's.

Kurt kisses him again, brief and soft.

"Never took you for the sort of boy who liked cheerleaders." He muses quietly, the corner of his lips quirking into a smile. Blaine's chest vibrates beneath him as he laughs.

"Neither did I, but you should _see_ yourself in a uniform." He murmurs, pressing another soft kiss against Kurt's mouth.

"I'll have to save the rest for some time Rachel isn't visiting if it's going to inspire this kind of reaction." Blaine tenses for a moment, before his smile softens into something a little sad.

"I'm sorry." He says, and Kurt recognises the look in his eyes, the self-loathing.

"I know." He whispers, for lack of a better reply.

"Do you want to stop?" Blaine asks, nervousness radiating off him in waves, and Kurt's heart breaks just a little. He wishes he knew what happened to make Blaine so frightened of the things he feels. In these moments when he lets his defenses down, it's like finding an entirely different person hiding beneath the veneer of charm and confidence. Kurt can't figure out how to reconcile the two Blaine's, or if he even should.

"I think - just for today." He says quietly. "Do _you_ want to stop?" Blaine shakes his head.

"I should, but I don't." He says softly, and Kurt silently wishes he knew how to ease Blaine's self loathing, even if he can't do anything for his own.

* * *

"Well well, to what do I owe the honour Baby Gay?" Santana's voice purrs down the phone, sending a chill down Kurt's spine. She's going to hold this over him forever, but really, who else is there to ask? Puck is really the only other option, but there's every chance he holds some tiny shred of loyalty to Rachel and there's no way Kurt could trust him with this. Santana on the other hand, Santana _can't stand_ Rachel. She's the perfect person to ask.

"I need your advice." He admits.

"I'm listening." Her voice sounds slightly distant and there's the banging of a door and the squeak of her Cheerios-issued sneakers against linoleum.

"I made out with Rachel's boyfriend." It all comes out in one long stream, slightly breathy and a lot nervous.

"And I care why?" She sounds disinterested, but Kurt can tell she's faking it, there's no way she'd have no interest in information that could potentially ruin Rachel.

"It's wasn't... an isolated event. It's happened a lot. Like, every day since school got back, a lot." He says carefully and imagines he can hear the sound of her ears pricking up.

"Really now? Well haven't you been a naughty boy? And here I was thinking that prep school of yours was _boring_."

"I guess I just wanted to ask, is it wrong that I don't really care? I mean, I _know_ he's Rachel's boyfriend and I don't even know if he's really gay. It goes against all my morals, but I still don't care."

"Okay, One, if he's macking on you there's a pretty high chance he's a card-carrying member of the rainbow-brigade. So what you have to ask yourself is why he's clinging to Berry like a sparkly barnacle." Kurt has to admit he's at a loss on that one.

"I don't know, why?"

"Because she's safe, stupid. Think about it, she's happy with a few PG-13 make-outs and he gets to stay in the bedazzled closet. Everyone wins. Well except you. Which brings us to point number two. You said it yourself, cheating and the facilitation thereof goes against your morals, yet you don't really care that you're doing it. Ergo, you no longer possess some of those morals. Well done, at this rate you might not die a virgin." Leave it to Santana to end a perfectly reasonable argument with an insult.

"So you're saying it doesn't matter? That I should just keep on doing it and screw the consequences?"

"Now you're thinking like me. It matters to you, or you wouldn't have called. Look, just because you don't care doesn't mean you shouldn't. I always kind of assumed when you finally found someone they'd be like you. Out and proud and all that. Not some guy who's stuck in the closet and parading around with the worst beard ever."

"I'd be touched but I know you're just itching to follow that up with an insult to my taste in men."

"All I'm saying is you could do a lot better than Berry's leftovers." Her voice has actually gone soft, which is frightening because it's _Santana. _She doesn't do soft, or kind, or normal human emotions that aren't fueled by anger.

He's obviously quiet too long for Santana's liking, and she makes a loud sound of irritation.

"Do you like him?" She asks, all softness gone.

"I- I think so?"

"Then do what you gotta do. You should be happy, and if swapping spit with Rachel's prep school boyfriend gets you there then go for it. Don't let yourself settle for feeling shitty just because the world thinks it's all you deserve." She actually sounds angry now, and Kurt can't help but wonder if maybe she's giving out advice she isn't quite brave enough to take.

"Okay."

"And before you start begging, _no, _I am not going to tell Rachel, no matter how much I'd like to see her cry. But don't think I won't use this against her. Planting the seeds of doubt and all that."

"It's not like I'd actually be able to stop you, but know that I disapprove of anything you plan on doing."

"Of course you do Lady Lips, but that's okay. Now go get some and make your Auntie 'Tana proud."

Kurt sighs as he listens to the dial tone.

* * *

Blaine is playing footsie beneath the table and it's absolutely disgusting.

It probably wouldn't bother Kurt so much if he and Blaine hadn't been making out in his car just ten minutes ago, but they had, and now Blaine's giving Rachel a rather dopey-eyed look that makes Kurt grind his teeth. Worse still is Rachel's audacity to ignore said look and Blaine's foot nudging her calf and complain about the state of New Directions. Which is not to say Kurt doesn't care about his former teammates, but he just doesn't see any reason to be that torn up about a football game.

"I mean look at us, the stars of two rival show choirs sitting down to coffee. Our school is so messed up we can't even keep our own football team together." Mercedes laments, and okay, Kurt isn't totally heartless.

"Why hasn't Finn told me anything about this? I mean, we live together. I bring him a glass of warm milk every night just in hopes that we'll have a little lady chat." He leaves the 'every night I'm home at least' part unspoken.

"Warm milk? Really?" Blaine smirks as he sucks his stirrer, like he doesn't know the effect that will have on Kurt.

"It's delicious." Kurt responds, licking a hint of foam off his lip in retaliation.

"Finn's too proud to complain. He feels like he has to be strong for everyone, but I know it's just killing him inside." Rachel says, and even Kurt has to admit that's probably fairly accurate. Far too much of Finn's reputation hinges on winning this game for him to admit their almost certain loss just yet. "I know we parted on poor terms, but I hope he realises if he accepted my friendship I could make him feel a lot better you know?"

Kurt could smack her. He settles for telling her to let it go instead, feeling an odd sense of satisfaction at her chastened expression.

"I just wish that there was a way we could help, that's all." She says slowly, and however self-centered Rachel may be, this is something Kurt has no trouble believing.

"Yeah, and the worst part is how bummed the guys are. I mean, they already suffer enough abuse just being _in_ Glee. I really think winning the game could have eased some of the pressure, at least for a little while." Mercedes adds.

"Wait, so the whole team quit?" Blaine asks around a mouthful of biscotti, but he looks intrigued, like he's noticed something everyone else has missed.

"Everyone not in glee. You can't play football with five guys, and one of them's in a wheelchair." Mercedes replies, clearly not following Blaine's line of thought.

"Well the good news is, you actually only need four more guys. High school regulations actually let you play a couple of guys short if you want to." Blaine says, smiling a little at the look that crosses Rachel's face. "But if they figure out a way to make it work, you can bet that we'll definitely be there to cheer them on." He adds, waving a hand towards Kurt.

"Totally." Kurt agrees, even though, _ew, _football. "Blaine and I love football. Well, Blaine loves football, I love scarves." Blaine's fond chuckle is almost enough to make it seem worth it.

* * *

It's cold in the bleachers, even wrapped in their coats and scarves and huddled under the rugs Carole brought with her. Blaine produces a thermos of tea and two cups, smiling as he hands Kurt one and the warmth seeps through their gloves.

Down on the field, the team are huddled together, several members with plaits hanging from under their helmets and looking tiny and breakable beneath their bulky pads.

"She's so small." Blaine says quietly, eyes fixed on Rachel who now appears to be smacking her helmet against Puck's and shouting something.

"Try not to think about it." Burt advises from his spot beside Carole, clearly remembering Kurt's one and only football game.

The first half is completely disappointing right up until the moment Tina almost gets herself flattened by one of the opposing team and Finn disappears from the field. Kurt also learns he doesn't hate football nearly so much when Blaine's huddled close and explaining the plays to him.

The lights drop before the halftime show starts, and this Kurt can enjoy with or without Blaine. There's artificial fog drifting covering the ground, swirling around the legs of the figures getting into place, and for a brief moment everything is utterly silent.

Then the lights flare and the music blasts, Santana and Rachel's voices high and clear over the backing track. The absent football team have appeared too, in ripped shirts and thick makeup, all dancing in perfectly synchronized motion. Kurt can't deny they're good.

At first he does't even notice the lone figure standing on the field in front of the bleachers, watching the dancing and clutching a football jersey in his hand. He thinks nothing of it, no doubt a football player who refused to participate, but for some reason he can't seem to drag his gaze away.

Then the person turns, looking up into the enthusiastic crowd and catching Kurt's eye for a moment before turning to look back at the field.

Karofsky.

_Of course he's here. He's on the team. They all know what he did. They don't even care. They probably think you deserve it. Laugh about it in the locker room. _

"Kurt? You okay?" Blaine's voice intrudes into his thoughts, jolting him back to reality. Something's wrong. His chest feels tight, stomach rolling with nausea as he watches Dave running across the field to join the dancers.

Everything is too close and too loud and all Kurt can think about is that he needs to get out, _now. _His legs won't even work, tangling with the blanket and making him trip, the metal of the bleachers rushing up to meet his face.

"Woah!" Someone catches him, hauling him upright and making his head spin. The ground sways violently beneath him and a hand presses against his chest.

"Shh, it's going to be alright, we're going to get you somewhere quiet in just a minute okay?" Kurt makes a noise in his throat, trying to speak even as it closes up, breath coming in short, sharp gasps.

Why is everything so _loud_? He's being pulled down the steps, between the rows of bleachers and towards the school. It's quieter here, aside from his labored breathing and the thoughts that just won't be silenced.

_Have to get away, can't let him see. He knows you're here._

Someone warm presses against him, rubbing his back in soothing circles.

"You're okay. Deep breaths." The voice is soft, kind. Kurt moves towards it, pressing his face against soft fabric, a coat or scarf maybe, and letting the sweet smell of cologne overtake his senses.

_Blaine _he realises and feels himself begin to calm, just a little, but enough to suck a ragged breath into his aching lungs. He finally manages to unclench his hands from Blaine's coat and take a step backwards so he's hugging Blaine instead clinging to him like a limpet.

"You back with me?" Blaine says softly, searching out his face, and Kurt gives him a shaky smile, still working on breathing before speaking.

"My dad-?" He finally croaks out, his throat feeling raw.

"I promised I'd get you calmed down. I don't know if you want to go back or-"

"No."

_I'm okay, going to take a walk with Blaine till the game ends. Meet you at the car after. x_

He hits 'send' and takes Blaine's hand, trying to ignore the nervous energy that's itching under his skin. He knows it's just adrenalin but knowing that doesn't make it feel any less awful.

_Be safe. We're going to talk about this later. _Comes the reply from his dad. Kurt whimpers quietly.

"You okay?" Blaine asks, hand tightening around Kurt's.

"My dad wants to talk about it. I'm going to have to tell him why it happened. Isn't it bad enough I had a panic attack without talking about _why _I had a panic attack?"

"Kurt, he's your dad and he just wants to know you're okay. And whatever got you freaked out tonight, maybe it'd help to talk about it."

"Not to my dad."

"Well, you could talk to me? I really think it might help you to get it off your chest." Blaine offers helpfully, his fingers squeezing Kurt's where they're laced together.

"Karofsky." Kurt whispers, forcing the name into the still night air, barely loud enough to be heard.

"Is that the guy who was bullying you? Before?" Kurt nods, forcing himself to keep each breath even, fear still curling just beneath the surface.

"He was my first kiss. First one that counted anyway."

"I'm guessing you didn't want him to kiss you." Blaine guesses, giving Kurt an odd look as he stops halfway along the path, still clutching his hand tight.

"No. I-I didn't want it when he did the other things either." His mouth seems to be saying things before his brain can stop it, and even now it's still pouring out in a panicked babble.

"He touched me. Out-outside my clothes, but I could smell him on them and my dad got me transferred after I burned them all."

"Kurt, that wasn't your fault, what he did to you was wrong and no-one would blame-."

"I enjoyed it." Kurt whispers and Blaine's head snaps back, staring him straight in the eye.

"What do you mean?" He says very quietly and Kurt feels the shame and disgust curl in his stomach, tries to enjoy the last few moments of Blaine's hand warm in his before he ruins everything.

"When he touched me, I... I got hard." He breathes, and it's _awful, _the way Blaine's looking at him, the way Kurt shivers as he drops his hand. _Sick. Sick and disgusting._ Except Blaine doesn't start yelling or pushing Kurt away, instead he pulls him into a warm hug, holding their bodies close while Kurt trembles.

They do a strange sort of step-shuffle until Kurt is leant against the side of the school building, Blaine pulling away to rest their foreheads together.

"I'm not an expert, but I'm pretty sure your body doesn't know the difference between a touch you want and one you don't. Don't let him win this like this. What he did to you was unforgivable, and it _wasn't your fault_. I promise." He's whispering, but it's heavy with all the weight of words unspoken. Somehow Kurt knows that Blaine has been in his position before, perhaps not under the same circumstances, but small and afraid all the same.

"You have to tell your dad."

"But-"

"No, Kurt, you have to. He'd _want_ to know. You know he would."

"Okay." Kurt whispers, and it's as if some strange weight has been lifted from his chest. It's not completely gone, but the sheer relief of telling someone is almost more than he can bear. He hasn't felt so light in months.

"Can I show you something?" He asks, taking Blaine's hand once more and pulling him along before he has a chance to answer.

* * *

The locker room is quiet but brightly lit. Through the high windows they can hear the cheers from the stadium. Clearly things are going well for the second half.

"Why are we here?" Blaine asks as Kurt drags him towards the row of innocuous red lockers.

"This is where it happened." He says quietly, pointing to the small indentation on one of the doors where his head had collided with the metal. He feels strangely detached from it, though he can remember the moment the mark came to be with sickening clarity.

"Kurt-" Blaine begins, then stops himself, clearly at a loss for what to say.

"Kiss me." Kurt says softly, looking around the cold empty room and then back at Blaine's shocked expression. "I know it's going to take more than this, and my dad's probably going to make me see a therapist or something, but right now what I really need is to make one good memory in this place." He expects Blaine to say no. Expects he won't understand why Kurt _needs_ this.

But Blaine is full of surprises.

"Okay." He murmurs and pulls Kurt closer by the pockets of his coat, pressing their lips together softly. It only lasts for a moment, but it makes Kurt feel warm right down to his toes.

"Thank you." He murmurs. When he gets home he'll talk to his dad, and it'll be the hardest thing he's ever had to do, but it'll be worth it. For now, he's happy to stand in the locker room with a boy he's fairly certain he might just love, and almost as certain might love him back


End file.
